Writer Hate Down the Rabbit Hole

I have begun to doubt myself as a writer. I am not used to criticism of my writing, I am used to praise. I am used to being "the writer" in my family of math freaks. Without that title, I do not know who I am in my family. What is my purpose, my function then? What am I good at if I lose writing? For I think I have lost writing in a lot of ways. I cannot seem to write anything amazing anymore. Then again, maybe I never did, maybe the idea of what is amazing is adulterated, a delusion if you will. The expectations held of me have never been too high when it comes to writing, as my entire family hates writing and I went to a technical high school where I was in the minority of 'writers.' I could put down gibberish and not even check it over and receive the praise I long for so much. For I am a personality that runs on praise, on acceptance, on love of who I am. Of course, this becomes a problem when I personally cannot give myself this. Rarely do I praise myself, or accept who I am, for I tend to hate myself if I am not told otherwise. I am very emotionally dependent on others, which is no bueno. No bueno indeed......

So now that I am back in a class that actually focuses on our thoughts and writing, I realize how lazy I have become as an author and how difficult it is for me to accept any kind of constructive criticism. All I do is rant and rant and rant for this is how I think. I think out loud, thus why I talk so much, and for some reason I hate this crucial part of who I am. I assume people are annoyed with me, and just long for my pie-hole to close up. Or, in writing, for my pen to dry up and my computer to die. I have begun feeling as though all my words are " ineffectual bleatings" as Bruce Robertson says of Amanda Demmings. I can just see him telling me, in his uncensored manner, "you are dismissed girlie."

So why have I been feeling all this so strongly as of late? I think it is due to the Thought Experiments. I read everyone else's and adore their style and compare it mine, and see only negativity. I observe comments of praise on others, yet I feel attacked on mine (recall my issues with criticism, I am rationally aware I am not being attacked. Sometimes our irrationality gets the better of us though.) I fall down this dark hole, shouts all around me. "You are shallow, you cannot give any deep thought...You bimbo....You talk too much you write too much.......Shut the hell up Alaina....You are a bad person....You do not belong anywhere.....Give up. Give up. Give up. Hate who you are....." There is no bottom as of yet, and the words are all around me and will not stop. I keep hoping at the bottom there will be a magical land of positivity, but it never comes.

Rationally I think how these thought experiments are meant to push our limits and make us feel uncomfortable. Perhaps that is what happening to me and my brain is freaking out. Yet I cannot get out of this hole.